Dear Generic Movie Couple,

I realize that the two of you are in love, but frankly, some of the choices you make I don’t enjoy watching. I’m writing you this letter so that maybe, just maybe, you can have a happier relationship and one that doesn’t make me gag…

First of all, if you’re trying to save the world or your country or something else that’s precious and will affect a lot of people, could you PLEASE wait and kiss until AFTER you’ve saved said item. It seems to me that you are constantly kissing during an intense moment of peril, and this wastes about fifteen seconds that end up being precious. Someone will probably die, and this death probably could have been avoided if you had put your hormones in check and waited on that kiss.

Also, I’d appreciate it if you would just stop with the “I hate this person, but am now forced to spend time with them, and miraculously I love him” act. It doesn’t happen in real life. If I was locked in a room with the guy that annoys me the most in the world, we would not come out in love. The best case scenario is that we both come out alive.

Now, to you romantic leading men out there, can you please stop with the cheesy lines already?!?! No one is clever enough to come up with those lines in real life. No woman will ever have a man chase her down on New Year’s Eve to recite the speech from When Harry Met Sally. And none of us should be expecting a guy to stand outside our window with a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” so we can forgive him. OH, and another thing, all these speeches and everything are usually a way for the guy to ask for forgiveness when he acted like a jerk, teaching us that it’s ok for a guy to act like a jerk as long as he is extravagant later. Awesome lesson.

People don’t ride off into the sunset at the end of the day. Don’t give me that crap. And all your problems are not solved the minute you fall in love. A more realistic view of love would be nice, but most importantly, please save the world before you make out…

Sincerely.

Concerned Movie Fan

P.S. None of this applies to Westley, because I feel terrible guilt that I am unable to take Cary Elwes seriously in any other role, and therefore can’t yell at him…

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