“The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.” -G.K. Chesterton
I don’t know about you, but I really don’t get this whole Christian thing. I’ve gone to church my entire life, been a Christian for eight and a half years, and I STILL don’t feel like I get it. It’s really hard and I have the tendency to feel like I’m failing at it constantly.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I also have the tendency to feel as though my friends get it and they can do it all so easily. I often receive advice on Christian matters and feel as though the people giving said advice rarely, if ever, need it themselves. It makes me feel as though I’m a bad Christian or maybe not even a Christian at all. Then one of my friends will admit to struggling with something or will ask me for advice about something else, and for a moment, though usually a brief one, I think maybe I’m not so different after all. But eventually I will remind myself that no, they still have it more together than I do, and that is how it is.
My main issue in being a Christian is that I have major trust issues. I don’t want to tell God what my problem is, because telling Him means asking for His help, and I don’t want His help, because He may solve it in a way that I don’t think it should be solved, and that sucks. I don’t want to give Him control over my life because He might do something with it that I don’t want Him to. In a nut shell, I’m a control freak. I hate it when someone puts a movie that starts with an “S” in the “C” section because there’s an extra space. What makes you think I’m gonna be okay with it if God starts messing with the pieces of my life? Even if they fit better that way, I put them the other way for a reason, and now everything is out of place.
But I know it goes deeper than that as well. This past Friday I visited the University of Michigan and felt severely intimidated at the end of the day. All of the professors seem to be geniuses and I fully believe that the courses will be severely difficult. As I was touring the campus and came upon the wall of pictures of all the professors next to their MOST RECENT book that they’ve published, I couldn’t help but think that admissions had made a mistake. I wanted to run downstairs and grab someone and say, “Look, you’ve made a mistake. You’ve got the wrong girl. I can’t do this and I’m not qualified for this program. Take me out and replace me with one of the other brilliant people here that has yet to hear back from you. You deserve better students than myself.”
It’s the same way I feel anytime God asks me to do something, whether something large like studying social work, or small like getting up when I’m completely broken down and worn out. “No, you don’t understand, you’ve got the wrong girl. I can’t do this. I don’t know anything and I’m not strong enough for it. Find someone else because this isn’t where I fit. You deserve a better servant than I.”