Monthly Archives: March 2010

Difficult Christianity

“The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.” -G.K. Chesterton

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t get this whole Christian thing. I’ve gone to church my entire life, been a Christian for eight and a half years, and I STILL don’t feel like I get it. It’s really hard and I have the tendency to feel like I’m failing at it constantly.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I also have the tendency to feel as though my friends get it and they can do it all so easily. I often receive advice on Christian matters and feel as though the people giving said advice rarely, if ever, need it themselves. It makes me feel as though I’m a bad Christian or maybe not even a Christian at all. Then one of my friends will admit to struggling with something or will ask me for advice about something else, and for a moment, though usually a brief one, I think maybe I’m not so different after all. But eventually I will remind myself that no, they still have it more together than I do, and that is how it is.

My main issue in being a Christian is that I have major trust issues. I don’t want to tell God what my problem is, because telling Him means asking for His help, and I don’t want His help, because He may solve it in a way that I don’t think it should be solved, and that sucks. I don’t want to give Him control over my life because He might do something with it that I don’t want Him to. In a nut shell, I’m a control freak. I hate it when someone puts a movie that starts with an “S” in the “C” section because there’s an extra space. What makes you think I’m gonna be okay with it if God starts messing with the pieces of my life? Even if they fit better that way, I put them the other way for a reason, and now everything is out of place.

But I know it goes deeper than that as well. This past Friday I visited the University of Michigan and felt severely intimidated at the end of the day. All of the professors seem to be geniuses and I fully believe that the courses will be severely difficult. As I was touring the campus and came upon the wall of pictures of all the professors next to their MOST RECENT book that they’ve published, I couldn’t help but think that admissions had made a mistake. I wanted to run downstairs and grab someone and say, “Look, you’ve made a mistake. You’ve got the wrong girl. I can’t do this and I’m not qualified for this program. Take me out and replace me with one of the other brilliant people here that has yet to hear back from you. You deserve better students than myself.”

It’s the same way I feel anytime God asks me to do something, whether something large like studying social work, or small like getting up when I’m completely broken down and worn out. “No, you don’t understand, you’ve got the wrong girl. I can’t do this. I don’t know anything and I’m not strong enough for it. Find someone else because this isn’t where I fit. You deserve a better servant than I.”

Last Day at 21…

Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday, and while I realize there is nothing particularly special about 22, the passing of being 21 seems like a rather big deal. See, I’ve always been a planner, and when I planned out my life as a child, 22 was always the age at which I knew I’d be graduating from college and moving into the “real world.” While I’m managing to put off being a real person for a while with grad school, the college thing is still true, and that just makes me feel old. Also, it’s no longer cool to be in you twenties once you hit 22. Supposedly 25 is fun…

So, this week is spring break and I’m currently in Chicago with my sister. We are to spend a nerd birthday tomorrow by going to a museum and, naturally, the Cheesecake Factory. Apparently I get to plan the whole day, but since I don’t really care, we’ll see what happens with the rest of it.

Today I hope to read a ton while my sister is at work and then we’ll be hanging out with some of her friends. I’ll be back home on Wednesday and go through some appointments, do some stuff for school, and read even more. Obviously, this is a very exciting post.

I finally have a basic story outline for the screenplay I’m going to write before I’m 30. I haven’t actually written it or anything, but I hope to write out a rough outline and then get started. The problem is I hate it when things aren’t perfectly how I picture them, so I’m going to have to remind myself repeatedly that I can fix everything later and not scrap everything immediately. That’s my writing problem: I give up the minute it’s not perfect.

I’m working on putting together my movie’s of the decade list for 2000-2009. It might be a while, but I’ll post it once it’s there…